I know you must have questions. Don't worry. I will explain everything. I am a genetically engineered organic appliance created and issued by the government to ease mental health and provide stress relief to our country's population during these trying times. As such, my genetic code ensures that I am completely disease-free, extra sensitive to the touch, and permanently in-heat....

It's your birthday, and I have some special surprises for you.                                                                  ...

Uh. You must be thinking of some other friend. Because you know that I wouldn't let you be alone right now. Or you should, anyway. Wait. So because your girlfriend, who just dumped you in the most fucking tasteless way would have have told you to man up and deal with it, I have to leave you alone with your shitty thoughts? No. You heard me. No. First of all, I never approved of your...